Friday, 30 September 2011

Quote of the day - what the world needs

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive.” 

Howard Thurman

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Strange Happenings

‘Strange Happenings’ – what are strange happenings exactly? Odd, unexplainable experiences that throw up questions relating to the physics of the universe we live in, and perhaps even the question of one’s own sanity!!

For some reason unknown to me at this point, I have managed to block most of the memory of childhood. There are years and years of emptiness in this head of mine except for the very bizarre of course! One of my earliest recollections of strange happenings came about when I was a wee young thing still running around in nappies, a toddler perhaps 2 years of age. I have no idea why I have even remembered this event considering I was so young, but I have carried it with me my entire life and have often found myself thinking back to that day, all the while wondering how on earth this could be??

Our family lived in a small rural town in a very modest home. It was summer and a small fire had started in the linen closet at the end of the hall. As happens in a small community, all the neighbours in the street hopped their fences to see what the commotion was about and milled around in a large group on our lawn, watching with interest as they garnered the coming week’s gossip fodder. As mother was of course busy, our next door neighbour kindly took hold of me and carried me around on her hip as you do with young children. I could see myself sitting on her left hip and we were standing over by the side of Mr Rosenzweig’s fence to the left of our house under his big pine trees, dressed only in a cotton nappy, curly mop of reddish tinged hair waving in the hot summer breeze and nosey neighbours all around.

Only thing was, I was viewing this entire scene and myself, from across the other side of the road!

One of life’s big Zen moments!! How could this be? I have asked myself this question over and over. 

There was a carry on from this event, and a rather horrid one at that. My bedroom was at the end of the hallway and the linen closet backed onto it. As a result of the fire, a circle of charred blackness appeared up in the corner of my room, probably about the size of a bread and butter plate. At night whilst lying awake staring at this black hole and trying desperately to fall asleep, I would have vivid imaginings, and I mean vivid. This hole to me became a portal for all the hideous creatures from hell and beyond to crawl through. My nights were coloured with an inescapable and crippling fear as I imagined ghastly beasties of all shapes and sizes leering at me from within this black portal.

Now you must remember I was only 2 or 3, television had not been invented yet and nor did we have a radio. I’m not sure we even had a book in the house. The question that has always been with me, was how on this earth, did a wee thing like myself even have imaginings of this sort? There was no reference point in my life at all that would account for the hideousness of these creatures I was sure were going to crawl through the blackness and into my room. You will be happy to know that I have recently discovered what was happening back then, but that is a whole other story. First things first!
From then there is a huge gap inside this mind, many years are missing. My next recollections of anything to do with my childhood are from about the age of 12 I guess. We had moved twice within the same town and the last move brought us straight across the road from the house with the fire. And a whole new set of strange happenings.

Dad had this house built for us on the side of a gently sloping hill, first new house ever. It was quite a treat, 3 levels of besa-block loveliness with floor to ceiling windows all across the front, very fashionable black, orange and green interior and great climbing trees down the side. Much to my disgust mother chose a baby pink bedroom for Miss 12, complete with reams of floaty sheer curtains, an absolute nightmare for someone who was pretending she wasn’t even a girl?? In this new house television had finally been invented and we were lucky enough to have one, but this still didn’t explain the strangeness of what transpired as the content of television shows way, way back then in the beginnings of it all, didn’t stretch to the strange and unusual.

Being a split level house all the bedrooms were on the upper level and fronted onto the sunken lounge which you had to walk down about seven steps to get to. Along the bedroom walkway and around to the right was the kitchen, also on the upper level. You could see the lounge from every upper level room. One night I needed something from my bag which was down in the lounge. As I opened my bedroom door; the hairs all over my body immediately stood on end and I froze on the spot. There, straight across from me, was ‘something’ sitting in dads chair by the fireplace in the lounge. As everyone else had gone to bed much earlier this was rather a surprise to say the least. I very gingerly walked around the top level and into the kitchen, where I very hesitantly peeked back after nonchalantly opening the refrigerator, only to discover that now there was nothing in the chair. I was so startled I didn’t even bother to retrieve what I went out there for and quietly snuck back to my room bewildered and somewhat dazed like a rabbit caught on the hop in front of blindingly bright headlights.

This house brought with it a recurring dream, an odd little piece, but one that I am sure has kept me on the straight and narrow my entire life. It was very basic, a picture of a perfectly round, white, pearl like object centered and surrounded by an abstract, shades of gray background. It would start out the way I have just described it and then I would watch in horror as the round object would start to shrivel up and become wizened and black. I had this dream many times and I cannot recount the feelings it produced within me adequately, watching this actually scared me witless for some reason? It shook me to the core of my being with fear. And like I said, was probably responsible for keeping me ‘good’ and honest throughout my life. I didn’t want to end up as ugly and hideous as the shriveled black thing I encountered at night times when I fell asleep.

The worst experience I had in this house really freaked me out. I was in bed asleep one night and happened to wake for some unknown reason. When I did, there was something standing over me at the side of my bed. I could hear an awful sound of slow and labored breathing right by my ear. It was positively horrid, but the worst thing of it was, I seemed to be totally paralyzed. My body was rigid and I couldn’t even open my mouth to scream out to mum and dad in the room right next to me. I don’t recall anything else or even when I went back to sleep. It scared me so much I didn’t ever speak of it to anyone until I was an adult. This experience burnt into my being and I never, ever forgot it.

After this, I found myself often sitting for hours in the swathes of pink fluff around my window, staring into space and hoping a space ship would swing by to take me ‘home’. A strange thing to be thinking I thought to myself over the years, considering my knowledge of spaceships and those who inhabit them was non-existent!!

Strange happenings indeed, seems my font likes to change it up whenever it feels like it and no matter what I do I can't make it the same as the rest of the post?? Gremlins....

Monday, 26 September 2011

On being Different!

This world is made up of millions of us humans, all running around doing what we do, living, dreaming, doing, being, and all of us individuals. We are incredibly complicated creatures, who for reasons unknown to us, use only around 10% of our brain capacity. That is quite an amazing thing when you sit and think about it. Ten percent, so just what happens with the other ninety?? I think there are aspects of ourselves (and our abilities) yet to be unlocked. I also think that in this coming age we will have access to much much more. We are evolving, we are becoming...all that we can be.

There are some who already have access to the strange and unusual, the mysteries of our universe, the hidden things that no one really likes to speak of. Because they are so well hidden and not of a tangible nature, they remain secret and are only whispered about in the closest of company. We have already discussed right brain - left brain and I believe it is the right brainers who have a more open path to the realms of the invisible, they are the sensitives, the empaths, the psychics. 

I am all of the above so in order for you to believe the information I sprout here, I guess I need to share how all this came to be. Obviously it is a pretty long story so we will have to break it down into different passages, with splatterings of everyday stuff in between so you all don't get too bored with the drama of it all.

As a child I think I always knew I was ‘different’ to everyone else around me. It wasn’t something that was ever verbalized, just a knowing from somewhere deep within that haunted my very being. I was pretty much loner, kept myself to myself and wandered around in my own little world. I only ever had one or two friends at a time, (and this is still the case today). Subsisting within the ‘in’ crowd never appealed to me (and I certainly didn’t appeal to them either) and nor did being a part of the usual girly gossip squad.

I was a reasonably intelligent creature (although I didn’t realize it at the time and nor did it mean anything to me), always managing to be in the top three throughout my school life, but was very lazy with it. There was no competitive streak in me whatsoever. I hated sport and group activities, much preferred the artistic avenue and spent a great deal of my time reading whatever books I could get my hands on, writing stories and poetry about things I shouldn’t have known about and drawing rather complicated and unusual pictures. I entered one into the local show once, a pencil drawing of a gnarled old tree and it was disqualified as they said there was no way a child of my age could possibly have drawn it, but I did. I could draw anything with a pencil.

Unfortunately for my mother, I also had quite a big mouth for a little girl, and seemed to be constantly in trouble for what came out of it!! I couldn’t for the life of me, see what I had done wrong, I only ever told the truth, but some of that ‘truth’ had emanated from her mouth. Doesn’t pay to gossip when there is a big mouth ‘miss’ attached to your apron strings, they will undo you every time! And sometimes I just told it like it was, not realizing people really don’t like hearing how it truly is.

 On weekends I was much happier roaming around alone out in the bush exploring and looking for the elusive bush orchids. Spying on the birds and checking out what their little eggs looked like up close. The bush surrounding our town was an absolute haven for me, full of treasures waiting to be discovered.  The pipeline which carried water to the small towns was large and endless and I spent many hours walking for miles and miles along the top of it, a rather odd fascination but one that kept me occupied for hours on end. 

Attached to my ‘differentness’ was also another feeling which permeated everything. It didn’t matter what I did to amuse myself, there was always an ache in my heart which sprung from the very depths of my soul. An ache that even to this day has never gone away. I wanted to go 'home'!! An invisible something deep inside kept reminding me this wasn’t my real home, there was another place somewhere out there calling to me and I missed it terribly. The hole in my heart was unfillable and the ache unbearable.

It really is an awful thing to feel so different, a stranger in a strange land, all alone and never feeling like you truly belong in the world you are living within. Everywhere you turn there are foreigners who have no understanding of how to relate to you, or you to them for that matter. In my later years mother actually admitted to me that she tried to ‘bash it out of me’ (not in a literal sense of course) as she didn’t want me to grow up experiencing the pain involved with being different. I tried to tell her when you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, you can bash and bash as much as you want, but at the end of the day, it is never going to fit. I suspect she herself was a little like me or why would she have tried to do this? Just how much like me I will never know as she has since passed and her life was a very private one, she kept her true self very well hidden. Something I have been unable to do. I have worn the pain on the outside like a piece of clothing and still do, it doesn’t ever go away and I guess outwardly I have appeared to be a very miserable little sausage at times for no real apparent reason. High maintenance I think they might call it in this day.

Fortunately for me, during my lifetime of trying to figure out just who and what I am, I have had the sense to disguise myself, blend in so to speak, to give myself the time to discover ‘all that is’. There have been moments when I have stumbled, but mostly I have worn my disguise artfully and the strongest word used to describe me has been ‘eccentric’. Not too bad I feel, considering what tumbles about inside this head now!

But as the pieces of the puzzle start to fall into place and the doors begin to open, it does become more manageable and with the help of time and the knowledge of who we truly are and why we are here the ache is muffled so that it becomes just a gnawing annoyance more than anything. 

The next part of this story will be some of the rather strange happenings that I experienced as far back as two or three years of age.

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Love Love Love

You know love does make the world go round..............

"Love is an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. Love is a virtue representing all of human kindness, compassion, and affection. Love is central to many religions, as in the Christian phrase, "God is love". Love may also be described as actions towards others (or oneself) based on compassion, or as actions towards others based on affection. In English, love refers to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from pleasure ("I loved that meal") to interpersonal attraction ("I love my partner"). "Love" may refer specifically to the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love, to the sexual love of eros, to the emotional closeness of familial love, or the platonic love that defines friendship, to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love. This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states. Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts."

When we feel truly loved we grow and blossom, life takes on a new meaning and our senses heighten. Colours become more vibrant, smells become more fragrant and the sounds of birds trilling happily in the trees are all the more noticeable. Love love love, where would we be without it? It is the magick thread that weaves it's way through the tapestry of the universe, it moves us to create and be. It brings light into the darkness and warmth to the fire, it washes away the tears of sadness and replaces them with joy and stirs the soul in ways that nothing else can. It was, it is, it will be, all that moves and motivates us to become all that we can be.

love love love
breathe it, be it, do it, share it

The pictures featured today are all handcrafted items made with love that you can purchase from, the home of all beautiful things hand made. You can spend hours searching for that perfect piece, they have everything you can think of just about and all exquisitely crafted.

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Beautiful People

There are some people in this world who are just beautiful and my mother-in-law is one of them. Affectionately known as Nanny, she is one of the most loving and giving souls I think I have ever met. Her home is a meeting place for many, there is always food enough to go around if you happen to turn up at meal times and even if it's not, there is still a smorgasbord of homemade slices and biccies. No job is too big, or too hard and never a nasty word is uttered, one of her favourite quotes being, "My mother always used to say, if you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all."

This wonderful woman is never short of a story from the 'old days' and could entertain even the best writers in the world I'm sure. Full of love and kindness with more compassion and understanding than a whole room full of people put together. She is such a treasure to all who cross her path and I am blessed indeed to have her as my mother-in-law. Really she is a mum to just about everyone and my life is all the more richer for knowing her.

Looking Good at 82!!

Make sure you take time out and let those beautiful people in your life know just how much they mean to you. No one knows what tomorrow will bring and we get so caught up in our busy lives that we sometimes forget to say those all important words. A simple "I love you" goes a long long way.

Love you Nanny!! Thanks for being you...

Tuesday, 20 September 2011


"A little piece of gold may be highly valued, but if it gets in one's eye, the result will be darkness."

Bushido maxim

Today I would like to say thankyou to my son who has been my motivating force whilst my husband has been away working for a year. Alex has chosen today's quote for the blog. He has an enormous amount of reverence and respect for the Samuri code or Bushido, and has certainly kept me going when I have been a sooky lah lah these last months, has even taught me how to play a 'real' computer game. Apparently Mahjong just doesn't cut it!! So now I have been indoctrinated into the world of Fallout 3, cooking with vodka, giving blood and regular exercise (have been a tad slack lately though) all in the name of keeping it together. I would love to put up a photo of him but this is a no go zone, he likes to remain anonymous and I have strict instructions not to!! Thanks son, you are a legend and I really appreciate everything you have done to help me along this path.

Sunday, 18 September 2011

Cat Humour

Today we will have a funny. I received this via email ages ago and then came across this fab version of it. Anyone with a cat will recognize these moves and I did find myself laughing almost uncontrollably, it is too funny and you will look differently at your kitty after seeing this!! Now I'm wondering why on earth Spooky cat has strategically positioned herself on the very top of my computer desk looking down at me (the desk has a bookshelf above it and this is her new fave sleeping spot). Maybe she is plotting??? They are indeed mysterious creatures these cats....

Friday, 16 September 2011

Quote of the day - discovery

"We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities."
 Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Dad's Death - Round Two

This next piece is what happened after dad passed. Death has a way of bringing out the worst in some people I have discovered over the years. It shouldn't be this way, but people's true colours seem to shine through and they aren't always the pretty rainbow we imagine them to be. This is a pretty graphic piece but it was written from the heart. The most important focus of it being the help I had from within. 

Which brings me to families….are they all dysfunctional? The advent of death brings them all swooping in from their rookeries like starving vultures, at least in our family it did!! At seventeen I hadn’t been privy to the ‘family politics’ but I learnt fast and with the help of the Amazon sheltering within, waged a battle that saw the vultures sliced, diced, served on a platter and deposited back on the doorstep of their own world never to be seen or heard from again.

The matriarch of the vulture colony was my father’s sister, Queen of all the lands she surveyed (and the first to arrive). All the other little vultures scurried along behind ready to do her bidding. Now, you need to cast your minds back in time a little, when all this happened 35 years ago my mother was a product of the 'Bex Powders and Valium set' (no offense to my also deceased mother, it is just simple fact and seemed to be what they did back then), self medicate to manage, don’t let life get in the way!!! Mother was a basket case and the very first thing on the agenda was heading off to her doctor to stockpile the Valium. The vulture Queen drove along with us and upon arrival managed to utter her joy at being able to see the old doc again, “Haven’t seen him in years, I’ll come in with you.” The Amazon within me wasn’t having any of this, her fire blew full force and told the vulture Queen, in no uncertain terms, if she wanted to see doc so and so, she would need to make her own appointment!! Mother was quite capable of going it alone thankyou very much. Round One, done and dusted, mother didn’t even have to say a word. The silence that followed would have dropped the Antarctic temperature to a record low.


Next of course were all the preliminary arrangements, funeral parlour, casket, how to dress him, service, flowers and the list went on. Nothing we did was right in the eyes of the vulture Queen, at every decision her shrieking voice butted in telling us how wrong we were, ‘she’ did it ‘this’ way when she had to bury ‘her’ husband. But the Amazon was not to be thwarted, we did what we felt was right for us and dad. Again the vulture Queen was told in no uncertain terms to butt out and mind her own business. Round Two, again to the Amazon.

Our family had moved to the big city only two years before dad’s passing. Prior to that we had been living in a small country community, the vulture Queen’s community, where all the other little vultures also dwelled. The vulture Queen was quick to tell us how badly we would now flounder in the big city and there was nothing else for it but to come back to the rookery with her, she would take care of all of us. The instant those words reverberated in my ears I felt the life force drain right out of me in a gushing torrent. My childhood memories were peppered with Christmas visits to her house. Just the drive there filled me with an inexplicable dread; I was only little but I could remember that fear vividly. There was no outward reason for it, but there was something deep within me that abhorred going there and after all these years I was beginning to understand why. Once again the Amazon rose and quelled any thoughts the vulture Queen was having, there was no way on this earth I was heading back behind me and into the rookery from hell to live out my days under her enforced suffocation.

There are factions within families, which is where the politics come in. In my father’s family the head was the vulture Queen. Just below her was the uncle who was the right wing vulture, always available and ready to swoop in to peck whatever carcass clean. Next in line was the fence sitting uncle; he ran between the factions and couldn’t make up his own mind to save himself. Then there was my father and the only decent Uncle I had. These two were the black sheep in the family and never quite up to the lofty standards of the vulture Queen; they just didn’t cut the mustard in her beady little eyes. The Amazon’s next dealings were with the venomous right wing aspect of the factions. 35 years later and I can still see the scene vividly; it burns behind my eyes with the ferocity of a fire storm.

There are some ‘tasks’ which fall to a chosen few, and in my eyes it is not only a privilege but an obligation. The last thing to organize was the small collective whom I considered right to carry my father to his resting place. As an ordinary seventeen year old I would really have had no idea, but with the Amazon coursing within, there was a very definite set of people who this privilege fell to. As far as ‘we’ were concerned, this was within the job description of brother!! I can still see the defiant but vacant, “are you serious” look on the right wing vulture’s face when I posed the question of being pall bearer, like this job was so totally beneath him in every way. And I can still hear the fence sitter saying he would only do it if the other vulture did it. Vulture one replied with a flat no without any explanation, which meant vulture number two would go along. I have never felt such open and bleedingly raw disgust in my entire life as I did when that no emanated from that mouth, and to this day that no cuts at the core of my being.

So there we all were, the Amazon and the two vultures, standing not one room away from the place not only my father, but their brother had passed. To say the moment was electric would be an understatement. And in that particular moment the full brunt of the Amazon’s wrath fired forth like a hot lava flow spilling uncontrollably from the depths of Mt Vesuvius. They were told quick and hard exactly what was thought of them, no holds barred, and where I hoped they would end up in their lifetime. They probably wished the ground would open up and swallow them whole, and to be perfectly honest, I wished the same thing myself. Forgiveness is not something that I have found in my heart even though I know I should, not even when the only decent Uncle I had passed and vulture number two looked deep into my eyes pleading with me for forgiveness for what he had so foolishly been a part of. There were no words spoken but I could see into his soul and I knew what he was asking of me. No, there was no forgiveness and there never will be. They denied being part of a very sacred journey, their brother’s final passage from this world to the next. They failed epically, failed their brother, shattered the integrity of the family and left a seventeen year old daughter alone and wondering where on this earth she should turn next. 

I had tried desperately to reach the one Uncle I knew would honour this sacred vow, but he was the one I could not reach no matter how hard I tried. This was possibly the saddest and most lonely moment of my life, so near and yet so far. And so it was left to phone friends, not only to phone friends and ask them to be a part of this sacred journey, but to have to explain why my father’s own brothers wouldn’t do what was, in my eyes, one of the most important jobs they would ever have to undertake in their lifetime. The tears still stream down my face as I am writing this 35 years later; the absolute betrayal I felt then and even now is beyond belief. But the Amazon weaved her magic and the final pieces fell into place, all was arranged and we could rest…….or so we thought!

The very night before my father’s funeral the vulture Queen decided to pay us all a visit. The purpose of her visit was to convey to my Valium soaked mother, what a horrid daughter she had brought into the world, devil spawn as a matter of fact!!! The tirade was long, loud and extremely boring, thank goodness mother was soaked to the eyeballs with her favourite friend Valium or I might not have lived to see today. And what can I say; the Amazon tripped the poisonous bitch up as she walked out the door (metaphorically speaking that is, not literally)!! Life was good in that fleeting moment.

What has stuck in my craw was the timing of the whole event, who in their right mind would front up the night before a husband’s, father’s, brother’s funeral and launch into such a poisonous attack on an innocent who was grieving as my mother was, I didn’t give a rats what she did to me, I had the Amazon residing within and the vulture Queen’s poison barbs fell off my frame like water off a duck’s back, but to do this to a woman who had just lost her husband was absolutely despicable? Well, what can I say, only the vulture Queen would go in for the kill in such a merciless fashion, queen of all she surveyed, only this time she had met her match, the Amazon Queen who had traveled from behind the veil to protect and guide her brother’s daughter through the horrific ordeal she was left to manage!!

A new day dawned and with it the final ritual, saying goodbye and ushering my father to his resting place. But something else happened on this day as well. As quickly as the Amazon had arrived, so she left, withdrawing from my human body to leave behind my original self, the distraught young girl who had just lost her father. The grief flooding my senses was horrendous, my body was wracked with pain and the tears were an endless river. I was bleeding inside myself in a way I had never before experienced.

At the funeral home the one decent Uncle I had jumped into the car with us and was mortified I had not reached him, “I would have done it, I would have.” To which I replied I knew, but I just couldn’t reach you. He stayed with us offering shelter and comfort as only he could. This was my Uncle, not those other two strange beings who had crawled out from under some godforsaken rock pretending to be a part of our family. 

I don’t think I heard a single word of the service, I was drowning in my own torrent of grief and when the casket was lowered and my father was finally spirited away, the universe as I knew it split asunder leaving behind a chasm so large that I have never been able to traverse its depths. The emptiness left within has remained with me my entire life, this wound has never healed.

But the strange forces were still weaving their magic from behind the veil. At the time of his interment there was an issue with the plaque we had chosen, it wasn’t going to arrive for quite a few months, they would ring and let us know when it did. A couple of months down the track I arose from my slumber and decided I wouldn’t be going to work that day, there was something I needed to see. I showered and dressed in the clothes I wore to the funeral and told mother we needed to go to the cemetery, dad’s plaque was there. She insisted it wasn’t, they had not rung her, but looked at the determination on my face and decided it was perhaps best to humour me. Lucky she did for when we arrived and walked to the tree we had chosen to place dad under, there was the plaque, all shiny and new, letting all in the world know this was my father’s final resting place.

How did I know? The mysteries of the universe had opened the gossamer veil and led me to the secret place where all information is stored, information everyone has access to if we but open our hearts and take up the gossamer wings spread before us. I went often to talk with my father under his tree. It was comforting to commune and I felt his presence close. Around two years later I sat beneath the tree ready to talk with my father’s essence, but suddenly it was all very different. There was no essence, I could no longer feel his presence, his spirit had at last been freed. He had stayed long enough to tend and watch over us until he thought we were ready to traverse the long road ahead of us without him. It felt like he died all over again that day, the wound re-opened. As sad as I was, I was also very grateful he had spent the extra time with us but realized deep within it was time to let him go, his spirit needed to move through the other worlds to rest and prepare for his next journey, whatever that may be.

Namaste’ my father, the wait has been long but I hold in my heart the joy of our reunion on the other side.     

Monday, 12 September 2011

Dad's Death

Oops, sorry have been a little caught up the last few days! There are many things throughout our lives that shape us into the beings we are. Sometimes things affect us in such a huge way we wonder if we will ever get through them. But we can and we do. I would like to share some of the pivotal points in my life that have shaped me so that I could become all that I can be. This is a bit of a long one but these momentous events are keys which unlock inner pathways and potential, although at the time of living through it we cannot begin to imagine this.

One of my most defining moments came about when my father passed. I was seventeen. It was sudden (from outward appearances), heart attack at work, ambulance spirited him away to hospital and he died on the doorstep, was revived and spent the next two weeks in intensive care. I spent every lunch hour and time after work visiting him for the whole two weeks. The day he came home from hospital he went for a sleep in the afternoon, and that was it, he had a massive heart attack and never woke up.

I knew nothing of death. All I could remember of it was when my bunny passed and the river of tears that ensued as I tried to dig a burial plot for him under the willow tree. Not the best spot I discovered. My numerous cats all somehow mysteriously disappeared or found new homes???? Death was shrouded in secrecy. I do recall my older cousin was killed in a bus accident when I was around 12, but it was all very hush hush and surreal. To be truthful I wasn’t sure if it really did happen or was just a dream. We were told absolutely nothing. 

None of this prepared me at all for my father’s passing. But my father’s passing was in itself, a thing of mystery. Strange forces were at work and things happened that I have never forgotten, things that shaped who I am today. It was a pivotal point in my life which opened a gateway and set me on a path that has moved me through doorways into other worlds. Of course at the time, buried under an immovable mountain of grief, I had no realization of the enormity of it all. It took many many years to awaken from the haze this shroud of death had wrapped me up in.

Reflecting later I realized my father knew he was going to die. A conversation in the car after an outing on a balmy Sunday afternoon left me extremely puzzled at the time, “now Flossie I love mum in my own funny way and I have set everything up for all of you, there is money put away”………… and so it went on. I looked quizzically at him wondering what on earth he was on about, never thinking for a moment he was saying goodbye to me. A seventeen year old’s head is very ‘vacantly busy’ and the conversation flew in one ear and straight out the other.

The impact moment was horrendous; I loved my father with every ounce of my being. When mother called out to me in her own shocked state rambling “he’s dead, he’s dead”, I was sucked instantly into a deep, gaping black hole, the light in my universe was extinguished with a single flick and I was blind. I walked into his room in disbelief, my hand couldn’t help itself, and it reached out to touch my father’s frame which was now cold and lifeless. A strange blue hue emanated from the once warm body that belonged to him, rigor mortis had set in and the icy hard feel of his skin sent a raging tsunami of grief coursing through me. One primordial scream flew from the depths of my soul into my lungs and pushed itself out into the world for all to hear. A howl so deep and so full of despair it burnt in a violent flash the veil between this world and the next. In that fire filled instant I was engulfed by a force so strong I still shake to this day thinking of it. 

The alchemy of the universe pierced the blackness which had engulfed me with a torrent of white hot energy that surged down through my crown chakra and filled this human frame with something so large and so explosive I was no longer the same person. The Leanne I had been for seventeen years disappeared and was replaced by a being of such magnificence that I am still humbled when I think of her and all she achieved during her short stay within me.

The transformation was instant; there was no inkling of the pain and grief I had been swamped with just a few moments before. Suddenly I was detached from what had unfolded all around me with an inner strength and power like I had never felt before. This allowed me to do all the necessary things one must do when a loved one passes at home. Police, ambulance, phone calls, mother just couldn’t manage.

At that moment I had no real idea of what had just transpired, it took me years to uncover the truth. But I was grateful for the strength this ephemeral creature brought with her; I was going to need it for I was about to discover the full force of the power of death and the havoc it wreaks upon those left living!

Friday, 9 September 2011

Quote of the Day

"Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can."

Danny Kaye.

Thursday, 8 September 2011


One of the biggest things being asked of us with the coming of the Age of Aquarius energies is to 'change'. Well, not so much asked as rail-roaded!! It is happening all around us everyday, life as we know it is suddenly coming apart and we are being pushed outside of our comfort zone. We humans aren't all that fey with change are we?? We like to feel safe and cozy and have things just cruising along the way they always have been. Laid back, relaxed and all very 'caj fab'!! But change is necessary for us to grow. A very cliche' thing to say I know, amazingly though it's true, even if we don't like it.

I remember having to learn how to swim at school when I was quite young, didn't want to do that!! I have a very vivid vision of myself being lifted gently into the swimming pool, all the while screaming like someone was trying to murder me, bloodcurdling screams, they really were out to torture and kill me from where I was dangling. And what do you know, someone turned out to be a fish, I could have been a mermaid I was so fast in the water, so fast I always had to compete above my age group in the swimming carnivals and I always won.

We arrive with a blueprint, our life plan is embedded subconsciously to guide us through what we have come here to achieve. We also have a little thing called free will, so we can choose to arrive at our destination via a hundred different pathways. Sometimes if we get too far off the beaten track the universe will see to it that a 'change' will steer us back in the right direction. Generally what we think is going to kill us (like the swimming lessons) actually opens another pathway that moves us beyond our self-imposed limits so we can grow bigger and better than before and kicking and screaming usually has no effect whatsoever. A very wise teacher once said to me, "It's not what happens to us that is important, it's how we deal with it that is!"

So we need to learn to embrace change when it appears on our doorstep and try to keep a healthy perspective and focus. Things that will no longer be useful in the coming Age of Aquarius are being dropped away from us at the moment (this includes the people in our personal relationships as well) and I have seen in my own life many changes these last couple of years. I had a healthy, thriving business, my website but I have watched as the sales have dropped away dramatically. Now some could say the current economic climate is to blame, and I'm sure that is part of it but the underlying issue is, I am supposed to be reworking my own life plan and pushing myself creatively into another area (the website was so busy I focused all of my energy into it to the exclusion of everything else and I enjoyed it immensely so it is really hard to let it go). The powers that be want me to write and when I don't do what is asked of me, things mysteriously move to block me, it just gets taken right out of my hands. I have seen it over and over. Now I may sit here and rant and rave about the injustice of it all and carry on like a pork chop (husband will attest to this, can be the drama queen on occasion!!) But when I shift my focus to what is ahead I usually come around (a couple more mini tantys get thrown in for good measure 'just in case' they might have a change of heart) and then I get on with it.

We are all being asked to 'clean up our act' both externally and internally, spring clean, toss out the old to make way for the new. It is time to go through our cupboards and toss everything that is no longer useful and this extends into our personal relationships as well. There is movement in every corner of our lives pushing us forward so that we may move cleanly into the Age of Aquarius energies. It is time for all of us to step up, to be who we are and all that we can be. When we do, amazing things will happen. I just look at my husband and how he has achieved his life long dream, and think how brave and extraordinary he is for having the guts, drive and determination to grab his dream and run with it. It is tough being 6,000 kilometers away in Antarctica, separated from everyone he knows and loves, but he is having the experience of a lifetime and this will change his whole perspective and life as he knows it. A whole new world has opened up before him because he pushed himself beyond his limits. So when change knocks on your door, don't be afraid, embrace it with all of your heart, know that the universe is behind you and that there will be treasures for you to find ahead.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Age of Aquarius

New look, new topics! Things are changing on a grand scale all around us, our old world is cracking and being stripped bare. Change is necessary, we are in a bit of a mess here and the old methods of doing and being just don't align anymore with the new energies that are shifting into our living arena. Why are things changing in such a dramatic fashion? Because we are moving into a new astrological age, the Age of Aquarius and the 'old' energy (or way of doing things) is no longer workable or sustainable.

"Ages are believed by some astrologers to affect mankind while other astrologers believe the ages correlate to the rise and fall of mighty civilizations and cultural tendencies. Aquarius traditionally "rules" electricity, computers, flight, democracy, freedom, humanitarianism, idealists, modernization, astrology, nervous disorders, rebels and rebellion. Other keywords and ideas believed associated with Aquarius are nonconformity, philanthropy, veracity, perseverance, humanity and irresolution. The appearance or elevation in status of many of these Aquarian developments over the last few centuries is considered by many astrologers to indicate the proximity of the Aquarian age. There is no uniform agreement about the relationship of these recent Aquarian developments and the Age of Aquarius. Some astrologers believe that the influence of a New Age is experienced before it arrives because of a cuspal effect or Orb of Influence. Other astrologers believe the appearance of Aquarian developments, indicate the actual arrival of the Age of Aquarius."

These changes are not only relegated to our outer environment, they are also happening within us. We are being grabbed by destiny from the inside to 'be who we are' and become all we can be. As we move into the Age of Aquarius we are awakening. Awakening to the subtle energies, movement and mysteries of the universe. The veil between the worlds is now becoming more and more transparent and we are 'seeing, hearing and knowing' more than we ever have before.

We are moving into a state of awareness that will at first confuse and cause us to question our sanity, but it is important to 'go with the flow' and trust, not only ourselves but the universe and all it's wisdom, for we will come through the other side of this great shift better human beings. Human beings with empathy and compassion, filled with the love and light of the Age of Aquarius.

This is a huge topic and I will be continuing this discussion with some helpful tips for retaining one's sanity whilst undergoing such enormous changes, plus some personal experiences of my glimpses behind the veil over the coming weeks.

Sunday, 4 September 2011

The New Look!!

Okay, I think I have almost finished with the re-vamp. There is some minor twiddling with the sizing of side bars etc, but my eyeballs and the brain are just about frazzled!! I might go and sit outside now with a 'relaxing' beverage and soak up the sun's rays. I hope you enjoy the new look. Personally I don't think the blog has ever looked so good, I am very happy with what I have achieved.

There are some very wonderful people out there who like to 'pay it forward' and explain how to do and create things for yourself, so I would like to thank the marvelous woman below for her detailed tutorial about making a header without using Photoshop. It was pretty awesome and I managed to create myself a fab header full of things that are a reflection of me.

There are also plenty of free resources around for spicing up your blog and I found the perfect background at this link, very rustic, very me!! Happy day..................

A day of mess!!

Morning morning and a happy Father's Day to all the big daddies out there. Today guessed it, change it up day!! So if you land here and everything is complete and utter chaos, don't despair, I am tweaking the blog. This time there will be a complete overhaul so things could be pretty messy for the day, sorry bout that. I spent yesterday making a new header (yes sadly it did take me a long time LOL) so we will see just how awesome or not so awesome my skills are!! Could be a total disaster but hopefully not. Catch you on the other side with a fresh new look!!

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